"Darkness" and Light

Darkness


In the darkness
Am I alone
Am I safe
or in danger

In the dark
All the fear
The desperation
and anger

Where do I go
What do I do
Will the next
step bring me closer

Is safety near
or is it clear
That the next
is disaster

To the left or to the right
backwards or forwards
Which way do I go
to take me out of
the darkness and the danger

One ray of light
Only one ray of light
Will guide me on my journey

Only one ray of light
Just one ray of light
Will take me to my home

One step at a time
conquered one by one
It takes to climb
to the next one
As long as there's hope
I'll keep moving on
Don't stumble, just keep going

Don't look back
Just keep moving on
The light will guide my way

One ray of light
just one ray of light
Will take me out
of the Darkness

This was the first and only bit of poetry I ever attempted in my life. I wrote it at a very difficult time in my life. I was feeling like nothing I ever did was right. I felt stupid and unable to handle even the smallest task correctly. It was also the time that I broke through the depression. I saw that tiny little light that led my way.

With so many suicides in the news this past week it just reminded me that every life is beautiful and precious. No matter how much pain and suffering one goes through, there are ways to live a fullfilling and meaningfull life. If you know someones who is in crisis, get information, call hotlines, try your best to get them help and most importantly, let them know they are loved.

Life is never easy, but we must make the best out of it that we can. I apoligize that this was not a more humorous blog today, but I just felt that it's an important thing to say. Hug a person today!

Be Loving, Be Empathetic and Be Superb!

R

Please Watch This Video!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Hi,
Please watch this video above. My family has been through this. I am lucky, I have Medicare. I coded in the hospital 3 times and I survived. At no time did my doctors say.."Well, He is not worth saving". They treated me like any human being who was very ill. No death panel, no sub-par treatment, no governmental intervention. Health care should never have been a for profit industry. We all should have the right to have inexpensive health care. I am no politician, I am just a person who has been ill for a long time. It breaks my heart hearing Keith's story. I pray for the people who don't have insurance. I pray for Keith and his father. I pray for America.
Be Vocal, Be Human, Be Superb!
R

There's No Business Like Show Business

Ok...It's no secret...I love Broadway and Theater. I always have! This weekend I got to go see my nephew Isaac in his high school's production of "Brigadoon" Now "Brigadoon" is the one show I had not seen or been in. I think when I was little, we skipped the "B's" and went right to the "C's" In my childhood, I performed in "Carousel", "Camelot", "Carnival" and "Calamity Jane" lol. I did a lot of theater in my childhood, but I have to say that nothing I did as a child could compare to my nephew's production of Brigadoon. The voices were amazing, the dancing outstanding and of course my nephew was brilliant in the chorus. The show was better then most of the Community Theater I've seen..and these were all high schoolers. It was a fantastic day for my Papa and I. We are all very proud of my nephew.

I was very lucky as a child to be exposed to quite a bit of both Broadway and Community Theater. I remember that we would take class trips to Broadway Shows and about once a year my parents would take us to eat dinner at Mama Leoni's and then we would go to a show. The one show that I longed to see was "Annie". My Dad made a deal with me..If I got a report card with no "D's" He would get me tickets. Well, that worked the opposite way...I think I got a "d" on my report card for the next 3 years. Finally my whole class went to see it. We actually got to see the final show for that current Annie, who happened to be Sarah Jessica Parker.

As a child, I think I wanted to grow up to be on The Carol Burnett Show..I wanted to be famous...The only thing that stopped me was ..lack of talent. Now I wasn't terrible, but I wasn't great either. The chorus was pretty much where I was in most shows. The one time in Jr High that I got a small speaking part was ummmm...interesting. I was playing Joe the bartender in "Calamity Jane". All I had to do was say a few lines and pretend to tend the bar..Well, they had put a riser behind the bar and gave me a stool so I could sit sometimes. Well stools only work when all four legs are on the riser. It was during our performance in front of my 9th grade class... My mother said she was watching and all of a sudden I disappeared behind the bar. Both I and all the bottles of fale booze fell to the stage. Quickly my friend Jaci took my place while I was being pulled off stage and the ambulance was called. I had hurt my ankle and as I was being wheeled out to the ambulance, The Assistant Principal was telling me..."I told you to break a leg but this was not what I meant. That was the closest I ever came to giving him the finger. I could also see every student peering out of the windows. They then wheeled me into the Emergency Room in full Western bartender garb and makeup (see pic below). The nurse only wanted to know where I worked. I ended up with a sprained ankle and Calamity Jane certainly lived up to it's name.

That was not the last time I made a fool of myself on stage but more about that another time. I did find that being part of a cast and being on stage were some of my favorite times. While I haven't been on stage for many years, I still think that watching good theater is the most entertaining, fun time that you can have. When I see a show or listen to a soundtrack, something happens inside me that is hard to describe. It gives me great joy!

That's all for now...BTW..What is your favorite show experience..Please put it in the comments.Thanks

Be Musical, Be Brave and Be Superb.
R

Diva's

Starting Over

It was two years ago today that my life started over again. It was the day that I died three times in the hospital. Today I am thinking of all the things I never would have gotten to do if the talented and skilled Doctors had not brought me back.

I would not be writing this blog, I would not have seen my wonderful nephews graduate high school and go off to college. I would not have seen my younger nephew star in "Suessical the Musical". I would not have connected with so many people on Facebook. I would have missed the births of the children of many friends and family. I would have never been able to experience wonderful shows like "Wicked" and see "Rent" for the 3rd time and with my best friend Kathy for the 1st time. I would have missed the love and laugter that I get daily from Papa. I would have not seen the first African American man elected to the Presidency. So much I would have missed.

It was a rebirth in so many ways...While in the hospital for 40 Days (biblical huh..)I lost over 70 pounds (not a diet I recommend for everyone). Before I went into the hospital, I was an insulin dependent diabetic, When I left...I was off of Insulin. By the time I left the hospital, the heal ulcer that I entered the hospital for was nearly all healed and the surgery had been a full success. While my rehab had been difficult. I came out of the hospital healthier than I had been in a whole.

Many people have asked me if I saw the light or anything when I died, Unfortunately I don't remember anything like that. After I woke up from the induced coma, I do remember closing my eyes and seeing many twinkling lights and purple unicorns, but I was on real good drugs too. Leave it to a gay man to see purple unicorns..lol. It is a very strange feeling to lose a whole week or so of your life. People who were in the ICU would come in to tell me that my survival was a miracle they rarely saw people in my condition actually survive. Hearing all the stories and reading my Dad's email to my family really blow my mind, it feels like they are talking about someone else. The whole experience is hard to get my head around.

It became clear to me that this all happened for a reason and I am still here because I still have something to do with my life. I'm still not clear on what that is but I look forward to seeing where my life takes me. Interestingly..I received a call from my old College the other night . I spoke with a lovely Bahamian student..She was looking to update records and of course get a donation. While I couldn't donate, I did tell her that I regretted never finishing my Bachelors Degree.
She passed that info on to the Dean and I received a nice email from him this morning. We are scheduled to speak on the phone. Who knows, maybe there is a way to finish the degree online. Maybe its meant to be..

So on this anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. I cherish ever day, I treasure my family and friends and invite tomorrow to be an adventure. I thank everone who rides this rollercoaster with me. It's good to be alive!
Be Here, Be Now, Be Superb
R

The Hand in the Window

Today is my Nana Mildred's Birthday, She lived a long life and passed at the age of 99 years old. Her Husband my Papa Sidney died a few weeks before my parents were married. My Mother's Parents passed away within a year of each other when I was about 5 and 6 years old. While I remember bits and pieces of my Mothers parents, I was very lucky to have my Nana Mildred for a good part of my life.

As a child my Nana reminded me a bit of Edith Bunker from the TV show "All in the Family" She was an only child growing up and would always marvel that from an only child grew such a big wonderful family. When we were very little, my brother and I would get in the car and ask "Where are we going?" and my parents would answer Nana's house. From that day on, We though her full name was "Nana House" and that became her name for many years. Once we grew up and she moved to an apartment, the name no longer fit and "Nana Apartment" wouldn't really work well.

We would often go to pick Nana up to either come to our house or to go out for dinner..The signal was that my Father would beep the horn and then we would see the hand in the window. That meant she was on her way out. She had never learned to drive and often told of remembering seeing the first cars and yelling at them to "Get a Horse".

I remember in forth or fifth grade in Oakhurst School We had a unit on the effects of smoking. Well, I became my Nana's worst enemy.. I hounded her , I stole her cigarettes and destroyed them, but in the end, I won..She gave up her habit (and I picked it up for over 25 years..sorry Nana).

She had a wonderful way about her and she would charmingly mispronounce many words...Lesbian became Lebanese, Acapulco became Alapulca. I was called either Ricky or Sidney or Asti (the family dog)...of course, my father did the same thing.

She was a charming, beautiful and amazing woman, I miss her and love her dearly.
She influenced me in too many ways to mention.
Happy Birthday Nana House!
Be Superb!
R

Maid to Order

Food For Thought- Part 2

Happy Valentines Day!  I want to start by saying thank you for the nice comments and remarks that I have recieved about the blog.  It is great that people can get something from this blog and the things that I go in my life.  I really enjoy writing this blog.

Ok, now to continue with Dr. Fleisher and his magical weight loss hypnosis.  The idea of this weight loss program was to listen to the tape of the Dr. "hypnotizing" me about 3 times a day and to follow up with him weekly so he could reinforce his "power".  So I started driving up to Palm Beach every week to meet with the him.  Now Dr. Fleisher was a bit excentric to say the least. His visits entailed him telling me of his sexual exploits and his boasting that he stopped actor James Coburn from smoking. Now I believe Mr. Coburn eventually passed from emphasema.  Of course he would also weigh me every week. I think I paid him $50.00 per session.  One day I was not feeling well, so I called him to cancel my appointment.  Well, he would not let me cancel and said he would drive to my apartment.  He was just upset that he wouldn't be able to weigh me.  So about the time I was expecting him, I went out to get my mail..All of a sudden I hear his voice yelling "HELLO RICHARD"..I turn around and there is the Dr. waving at me...from the cab of an eighteen wheeler truck. His car had broken down on I-95, he had hitched a ride and his car was still stuck on the highway.  I still don't know how they got the eighteen wheeler down my small street.  He had to eventually take a cab home. Oh btw, he had taken apart his scale and loaded it into his car which was now on I-95. After that and a few more bizarre appointments, all I could think about when I heard the "hypnosis" tape was him driving up in the truck yelling "Hello Richard" in his thick European accent.  It is a picture in my mind I will never forget. all that and I think I lost 11 pounds.

My food problems were getting worse in my 4th year of college.  Between the imbibing in the stuff that college kids imbibe in (that make you get munchies), to coming to terms with being gay and losing interest in my college major...I was a mess..Heavier then ever...My Parents and I decided I needed a big change. I left school in my final semester and went to the Duke Diet and Fitness Center in Durham North Carolina.  What was going to be a one month stay became a six month stay.  Now the fitness part of dieting where never effective because of my CMT..I was limited in the exercise i could do.. So I would go to the center every day, eat my 3 meals there, learn about dieting, then go back home and order a pizza. I did lose 36 pounds, but I should of lost 70 pounds.  My poor parents..The money they spent on all this was rediculous. I feel bad that I wasted all that money and time, but I can't go back.

What I had never realized in all of my weight lose attempts was that I had been suffering from severe depression.  After I had started working in the Travel Industry for a Wholesale Tour Operator..I kept seeing these commercials for Rader Institute, They really descibed how I was eating and feeling. So I went in for an evaluation.  According to the tests, I was depressed and a bullimic, which meant i binge ate, but never purged.  Their program consisted of 6 weeks inpatient therepy.  It really was the first time that I ever realized that I used food like drug addicts use drugs.  It was my way to stuff my emotions.  During the six weeks, I learned a great deal and met amazing people.  When I left there, I cried like a baby and could only relate it to being reborn in many ways.  But in actuality, i had only dealt with the tip of the iceburg.

I will tell you that the time in my life where I lost the most weight (besides being in hospitals or almost dying..lol) was when I decided to go back to school and study broadcasting.  I had lost my self confidence and even though I knew I could never make a living in broadcating, It brought the happiness back to my life.

Since I left the hospital almost two years ago after almost dying, I have basically stuck to a Carb Counting diet. I no longer binge eat, and I try very hard to stick with my current food plan.  Losing weight when you are in a wheelchair is difficult though. I don't think I will ever be happy with how I look, but I am not satisfied to hide either.  I look at it this way. I am who I am, If someone doesn't like who I am..screw 'em.

So on this Valentines Day..Food will not be my Valentine, But instead i will just love life.
Be Loving, Be Loved, Be Superb!
R

Food For Thought Part 1

I have had a love hate relationship with food for nearly my entire life.  It is something I have battled for my whole life and I must say that a day does not go by where food and it's consequences are not on my mind.  It truly is a war for me.

I was skinny once..up until I was about six years old..you could actually see my ribs.  Now looking back, I can see that I began gaining weight when I had leg surgery at age six. I had just been diagnosed with Charcot Marie-Toothe Syndrome which is a form of Muscular Dystrophy.  CMT had caused my heal cords to be very tight so I was always walking on my toes and constantly falling. So I had to have surgery to have my heal cords lengthened...This meant 6 weeks in full leg casts and a year in leg braces. Food became a friend and a comfort during this time. It's funny, I only have one this one picture of me during this time.... The one thing I remember most about taking the picture is that I had a box of big lollipops hidden under the blanket I had on. For the next year I had to learn how to walk all over again.

Now my whole family was never the healthiest of eaters. I remember all of us going to diet meetings, we would lose some weight but it would always come back on.  I do have memories of sneaking out to the freezer in our laundry room and slicing frozen peices of Sara Lee Cakes and trying to cut off just enough, that my Mother would not notice..then eating it as fast as I could before getting caught..and i ate it still frozen. I was not athletic because of my disability, even though others probrably thought it was just from being overweight. I even remember selling toys for twinkies in 3rd grade.

Once I got my driver licence, all bets were off...I would sneek off to every fast food place in town and still make it home in time for dinner with the family. My best friend was food and he never let me down. Once I went to college, I was a full fledge fast food junkie. The kind who ordered 2 of everything so that the drive thru person would think it was for 2 people..2 burgers, 2 large fries and 2 cokes. I would even order different topping on the different burgers. God forbid that the teenager at the drive-thru window judge me harshly..lol.. During College, I became a diet expert...Weight Watchers, Nuti Systems, Optifast, Lean Line...I did them all. The last time I went to a Weight Watchers meeting, I left halfway thru because one of the women not only brought her chiild to the weigh-in, but also brought his McDonald's Chicken nuggets and fries. One whiff of the fries and I was flying out the door to to get my own.. It's sort of like Scooby Doo Smelling Scooby Snacks, I was done with Weight Watchers.

One summer I came home from college, my parents decided that i need to see a hypnotist to help me lose weight. We were so lucky because there was a Dr who had an office in both upstate New Jersey and one in Palm Beach.  So off we went to see Dr Fleisher for the all important first meeting in New Jersey...I would follow up in Palm beach when I went back to school. My Dad and I drove about 2 hours to get there..We walked in to what looked like a personal home. About a dozen other people were also waiting. We were told that the Dr. was not there yet and was running a bit behind.  So we waited and waited and waited. After about 2 hours we were told that the Dr. had been rushed to the hospital after a diabetic problem occured, but was on his way there so please be patient. Now more waiting..I think it was about 5 hour of waiting..Then in he walked...Dr. Fleisher..A very skinny 76 year old man with urine soiled pants and a hospital band around his wrist.  Evidentally he had passed out on a bus and had been riding around..And this man was going to hypnotise me to lose weight...ummm ...ok  so after a total of 7 hours, we left there fully hypnotized, carrying a tape of his voice... and fucking hungrier than I had ever been.. So much for a good start with hypnonis. I will continue this story in the next blog.  As you can see..Food and weight play a huge part of my life. Too much for just 1 blog.  Anyway, thats all for today.
Be Full, Be Caring and Be Superb
R

Papa Knows Best

I am so amazingly lucky to have the wonderful Parents that God chose for me.  My parents were married for over 40 years before my dear loving Mother passed in 2006.  Today I want to talk about my Father.  He truly is one of a kind.  First of all, since my father became a grandfather, his name has now changed to Papa.  People come up to him in the street and call him Papa, His Students call him Papa. He is Papa to all.

Now Papa has spent his life in eduction.  He started as a teacher, then became a vice principal and eventually a principal.  As I meantioned in a previous blog, My father was my Principal too.  In fourth grade I was moved to his school.  When I moved to junior high, he happened to get a promotion to the junior high also.  Now being the Principals son did have its ups and downs...the ups were...I always knew first if we had a snow day..Oh how I looked forward to hearing the phone ring at 5:30 a.m. knowing it was the superintendent canceling school.  I also got to know my schedule and teachers before school started.  And of course there were the problems too..Papa knew my grades before I did and of course I could not even consider cutting class of playing hookie. I think that as a child, I was kind of jealous that I had to share my Dad with so many other kids. It was also hard growing up in a town where EVERYONE knew my Parents.  I think going to College in Florida was very much an escape from being the Principals son..

Sorry, back to Papa...I have a better relationship with my Papa now than ever before.  He has been there for me in good times and bad.  Now he can be a bit crazy at times.  He has been known to start petitions to outlaw Gravity...He hates gravity because he is constantly dropping things. One year when I had a 2 kidney stones removed, He showed up with a balloom that said "Congratulation It's a boy" When he was coming up to my room, the staff kept redirecting him to Maternity. Btw, the balloon was in the shape of a foot..I told him that he should have brought me that balloon for my foot amputation..lol.. Papa can tell you which kid served detention for what and how so and so is the 3rd cousin of whosamabob... But can't remember where his glasses are...(usually on his face) 

There was rarely a day in my many hospitalizations that my Papa was not by my side.  If you talk to any of his students...they will tell you that there was no better administrater and teacher.  Papa makes me laugh daily.  One day when I was in the hospital...I heard a voice bellowing from the hallway...YOOHOOO..
Well, about 5 nurses came running thinking there was either an emergency or they were being beckoned..It was simply Papa greeting me.  Since that day, we greet each other with one greeting...YOOHOO!

I love my Papa very much.  Btw I just got a call..My boot is done...YAY!  Lol ..Papa just called, his dishwasher and computer are not working....OY VEY! Thats all for today.
Be Patient, Be Happy and Be Superb
R

Love and Hate

I'm a Gay, Fat, Balding, Democratic, Jewish, Disabled man.  If only I was black too, I'd be practically every discriminated group all in one.  The only one of those titles that I actually chose was to be a democrat and a proud one I am. Now some would beg to differ with me as to whether being Gay was a choice or not.  I can tell you with every ounce of conviction...It's not a choice that I ever had to make.

From my earliest memories I remember feeling different.  Never interested in sports, usually playing in classes with the girls.  My first crush was a tie between Greg Brady and Keith Partridge. I was always a chubby kid, so when It was time to date..I had no problem because nobody was really looking to date me.  When it came time for my Dad to teach me about the birds and bees, I had never even cared where babies came from.  The whole thing made no sense to me.  I think eventually my weight became a way to not have to deal with a relationship and being gay.  I will go more into my coming out process another time.

There are 2 big stories regarding homosexuality that I want to talk about in this blog..The Military's witch hunt with "Don't ask, Don't tell" and Gay Marraige.  To be truthfull,  at times I wish I wasn't gay...but It is who God made me. And God knows better than me Why he made me this way...and frankly, It bothers me that people use God's name to urge hate against me.  If a soilder is willing to die for his country, then he should not be forced to lie to his country.. By the way, Isn't lying a sin..

As for Gay Marraige, How would my getting married, affect any other persons life.  My love is as true and legitimate as any straight persons. How would straight people feel if their Government told them who they could or couldn't marry.  Well, hey, lets put it up for a vote...While we are at it...All obese people can no longer be parents..since they are a danger to children and will not give them healthy food.  Ridiculous huh...

Hate and discrimiation are ugly!  Love and Kindness is Beautiful!  Next time you have to vote on others rights. Try thinking how it may feel to be on the other side.

Have a great weekend!
Be Empithetic, Be Happy and Be Superb
R

We Want You...To be Dishonest!

I really used to have some respect for this man.

21 Guns

Great song from a new Broadway show based on Green Day's "American Idiot. Really liking what I see so far!

Control

Happy Monday, I hope everyone had a great weekend.  Today is "Boot" Day..or was supposed to be "Boot" Day..I woke up at 4:30 a.m., My aide was here at 5a.m. I was out of bed by 6:30 and ready to have my wonderfully generous father pick up the boot to get it repaired.  All was going well until I called the Orthodics Office only to be told that the "Boot Doctor" had run out of the very rare material he needed to repaitr the boot... VELCRO!  Now they knew we had this arraingment for over a week. Now, I can brush off things that go wrong in my life when I am the only one involved, But my father went out of his way for me..There really is no excuse for this kind of incompetence.  Ok.. Enough bitching on that subject...take a deep breath................ahhh better.

Contol....it's a funny thing.  I have very little control over anything.  I had no contol about getting my boot fixed.  We all try to control stuff, but can we really.  The other day, my aide was upset because someone was "making" her upset.  I tried to explain to her that the only person who can "make" you upset, is yourself.
We all like to blame others for our feelings, but we must own those feelings.  This is how I survive the hard times.  While I have my moments, It does nobody any good to blame my feeling on others.

Ok..onto happier subjects. I would love to hear some opinions on this blog. Did you see the Grammy's, Did you like the MJ Tribute...Do you like Taylor ?  What's your take on Gaga?  I enjoyed the show on the whole...I look forward to hearing more about the new Green Day musical "American Idiot" coming soon to Broadway..You know when I hear "broadway" I get all tingly all over. Whenever I write my blog I listen to Broadway show music..Today is The Rocky Horror Picture Show..Broadway album..Ahhh the memories of going to Belmar N.J. to see the movie every Saturday night.

Well, thats all for today.
Be Honest, Be Happy, Be Superb
R